Neal Top Jared Bottom

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS!

Week 12 is all but finished (despite two Monday night performances to go), and the playoff picture is beginning to clear up! Here is what each player needs:

*JARED, KEVIN AND MONICA ARE ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFFS*

COLLEEN (9-3): With Neal's loss to Josh this week, Colleen wraps up both the Division Crown and the top seed in the 2012 GDL playoffs. A loss next week to Jon will neither help or hurt her cause.

NEAL (8-4): A loss to Josh and Colleen's win over Monica eliminates him from winning the division.

JOSH (7-5): By beating Neal, Josh moves on to the playoffs and eliminates Kevin from playoff contention (Josh owns the season head-to-head tie-breaker (2-0) with Kevin).

ERIC (6-6): Losing to Jon gives Jon the lead in the division (head-to-head tie breaker is a tie (1-1), Jon has more season points).

JON (6-6) Wins and gets himself into contention for the Division Crown.



SCENARIOS:

Neal and Josh are fighting for 3rd and 4th seeds in playoffs, while Eric and Jon are fighting for their playoff lives.

Next weeks games with playoff implications: Neal vs. Eric, Josh vs. Jared, Jon vs. Colleen...

NEAL GETS THE #3 SEED IF:
Neal wins OR Josh loses. That simple.

JOSH GETS THE #3 SEED IF:
Josh wins AND Neal loses.

JON WINS THE DIVISION AND #2 SEED NEXT WEEK IF:
1) Jon wins AND Eric loses
2) Jon AND Eric BOTH Win OR Lose, Jon's season points totals more than Eric's.

ERIC WINS THE DIVISION AND #2 SEED NEXT WEEK IF:
1) Eric wins AND Jon loses
2) Eric AND Jon BOTH Win OR Lose, Eric's season points totals more than Jon's.

The only scenario in which Eric and Jon could both be in playoffs at this point is if Jon were to win and Josh were to lose, plus Jon's team would have to outscore Josh's by over 100+ points. This scenario is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY, therefore considered not feasible to attain.

THUS, ROOTING INTERESTS (including themselves for obvious reasons):

NEAL: Jared
JOSH: Eric
JON: Neal
ERIC: Colleen

PLAYOFF PUSH! WEEK 11

Despite still waiting on a Monday night game, all the Week 11 GDL match-ups have essentially been decided, and now with playoffs just around the corner, WHO'S IN, AND WHO'S OUT???

Kevin (6-5) def. Neal (7-4), 86-85
This one came down to the wire, but Ray Rice just couldn't run far enough to get Neal over he hump and past Kevin. Strong performances from Megatron and Washington's Defense propelled Kevin. Newly acquired Demaryius Thomas and Jamal Charles were key for Neal this week, but Rice, Nelson and Bush all failed to reach 10-plus points.

Colleen (8-3) def. Jared (5-6), 107-69
As expected, Colleen manages to sail past Jared in a week in which Andy Dalton, Vincent Jackson, CJ Spiller, Doug Matin and Roddy White all busted out double digit performances. Gronk and Rogers pulled through for the lame duck Tooth Decays, and in stunning fashion, the Jaguars slammed Houston's Defense, taking away 4-points from Jared this week. To make matters worse, a playoff push for Jared took a massive hit when it was discovered Gronk's forearm was broken in the game vs. Indianapolis, with Gronk expected to miss 4-6 weeks.

Jon leads Josh 127-73
Matt Forte and Chicago's Defense will need to combine for 54 points to give Josh the win, and it's highly unlikely the 49ers turn the ball over enough to score massive points, and Forte putting up massive yards on the 49ers Defense seems somewhat unlikely as well. If Jon pulls the match out, Jon will have won three games in a row, putting him square into the playoff mix.

Eric leads Monica 86-43
Monica getting 44 points out of Frank Gore against the Bears' Defense is less than unlikely; its impossible. Mark a win for Eric, who improves to 6-5 on the season and makes a run for the conference title over Jared, Jon and Monica to secure a spot in the playoffs. Monica, meanwhile is still looking for her second win on the season, and faces Colleen next week...

(Assuming Eric and Jon win tomorrow, the standings will look something like this:)

x=eliminated from playoff contention

MY DOGG, SNOOP
Colleen, 8-3
Neal, 7-4
Josh, 6-5
Kevin, 6-5

MARISA KORN
Eric, 6-5
Jon, 5-6
Jared, 5-6
x-Monica 1-10

With two games left in the regular season, the push is full steam ahead. Things to look for in next week's match-ups:

WHO's ROOTING FOR WHO IN WEEK 12???

Colleen is rooting for: Jared
Obviously, she needs to beat Monica. But in the event she were to lose to Monica next week, a Jared win over Kevin would seal her playoff spot... That seems highly unlikely, as Kevin has just landed RG3 in a trade, while Jared just lost his biggest asset in Gronkowski for likely the rest of the Fantasy season.

Neal is rooting for: Monica, Jared
Neal will likely have a hard time putting Josh away, and in the event he cannot beat Josh and falls into a 7-5 tie with Nunen, the last thing he'll want is for Kevin to hop up to 7-5 as well to make things more crowded in the Snoop Race. Neal needs Jared to beat Kevin so Kevin falls to 6-6 and Colleen to fall to Monica so he could potentially stay within striking distance of the top seed in the playoffs.

Josh is rooting for: Jared
At this point, Colleen owns the tie-breaker for the division with Josh, beating him twice in the regular season. Josh can't earn the top spot in the division, even if he wins out and Colleen loses out. Josh will have to settle for a third or fourth seed, and he'll need Kevin to lose to either A) Create cushion if he defeats Neal or B) not to lose ground on Kevin if he loses to Neal.

Kevin is rooting for: Monica, Josh
Kevin swept Colleen during the regular season. If Colleen were to lose out and Kevin were to win out, Kevin could top Colleen in playoff seeding due to the head to head tie breaker. ByMonica topping Colleen, Josh winning next week over Neal and Kevin defeating Jared, all three guys would sit at 7-5 with Colleen at 8-4, meaning in a weird convoluted way, Kevin could feasibly still be in the hunt for the division title.

Eric is rooting for: Kevin
Eric needs to beat Jon to create a two game gap between he and Backus, and that along with a Kevin win over Jared would put both Jared and Jon two games back in the Marisa Korn Division and wrap up the division title for Wallace.

Jared is rooting for: Jon
Jared is in a tough spot as it is, and falling behind Backus and Eric is the LAST thing Jared needs. Jared can beat Kevin and tie Eric and Jon going into the final week of the regular season by Jon beating Eric as well.

Jon is rooting for: Kevin
Again, fairly obvious, Jon has to beat Eric or he will be eliminated from playoff contention. And a victory for Kevin over Jared would push Jared to 5-7, while Jon would be fresh off a win, sitting tied with Eric at 6-6 atop the Marisa Korn, with one week left to hash out the division.

Monica is rooting for: Stafford, Srpoles' health, Gore, CJ3 and Eric Decker
Monica was eliminated from playoff contention officially 3 weeks ago, so anything now would just be to play "spoiler" or to just be "cute." But boy oh boy... a Monica win over Colleen would fuck a bunch of shit up in the Snoop Division for sure!

Week 8 Power Rankings: You all suck, except Jared is good

Really, GDL? REALLY?...

Save Jared, this league as a whole looked pathetic this week. PATHETIC.

"But Eric, you didn't do well... in fact, you were the worst."
Yes, thats true. And when I look at the scoreboard and realize my running backs combined for 10 points, Jamal Charles forgot how to play football and Drew Brees gets shut down, I cringe. The worst part... Colleen wins her 5th game in a row, and she didn't deserve to win either.

"But Eric, Neal had 99 points, and Josh had 88. It wasn't ALL that bad."
Let me break it to you like this: There's 8 teams in the league. 8. You all collectively have at least 3-4 fantasy studs on your team. With an 8-team league, there's an understanding by all parties that anything under 100 points is kind of mediocre, but anything under 90 is sad. 6-of-8 teams placed under the 90-point mark this week.

"But Eric, this week was a fluke ... my team generally sucks."
No Jared, your team, with Aaron Rogers, Rob Gronkowski and Julio Jones should be right there in the mix every week. You're RB platoon is not amazing, granted. But McFadden can at least chip in 10-plus points a game to go with a stellar passing regime your team boasts. In fact, your 123-point performance puts you square in the mix for the Division Race and a possible playoff push. Fuck you and making excuses for your 4-4 record. If you lose out on the playoffs, its your fault, not Shonne Greene and Steven Jackson's fault.

Here's the Power Rankings:

T-1. Colleen (6-2)
T-1. Neal (6-2)
3. Josh (5-3)
4. Jared (4-4)
T-5. Eric (4-4)
T-5. Kevin (4-4)
7. Jon (2-6)
8. Monica (1-7)

Now, a personal message to each of you individually from the commish about your awful weeks:

Colleen: You win. Again. Congrats. You win 5 in a row and are officially the hottest team now in fantasy football at this time... But know that the next time you take a shit in the form of 76 points and don't spray, its going to comeback to haunt you. 76 points is awful, and 76 points in the future will cause you to miss out on the top seed or maybe even worse.

Neal: A stellar win this week, one point shy of 100. Propels you to 6-2 and now you are in striking distance for the league's top record... You are the luckiest son of a bitch ever though. What a ballsy move to play Titus Young, for 22 POINTS??? You should have lost to Vick in a Box, if not for JORDY NELSON. Its better to be lucky than good sometimes, but you are skating on thin ice, and the ice eventually will break.

Josh: I have nothing really for you. Arian Foster was out and you still managed to put up 88-points. Not too shabby, I guess. You should probably figure out if your keeping Jennings or dropping him though. He's a huge waste of space on your bench. And your QB situation is pretty unbearable to watch too. You might have to initiate some trades soon, especially since you have Arian Foster, Matt Forte and the Bears' D, and yet are STILL looking up at Colleen and Neal in the standings.

Jared: I just hate you and everything about your incessant whining about how your fantasy football team sucks because your players suck. Just admit: you suck and shut up. 

Eric (yes, I can't call you all out without calling myself out too...): You have the best core of starting WR's, RB's, TE's a sweet defense and the best QB situation in the league... and yet you still have 4 losses.... you are a pathetic, worthless shit hole, and if you can take this roster and STILL miss the playoffs, you should probably resign from the league and take up ballet, because at that point, you're a giant pussy faggot...

Kevin: You had every player available. You still managed to only get 3 players in double digits. One was your kicker. This was a sad performance from you, and you better make up for this... by buying me a shot in the MGM lobby in 6 weeks. Or a beer at the Cardinals/Lions game... whichever you prefer.

Jon: Tom Brady and AP alone should make almost every team a playoff contender, and yet you've mustered up a measly 2 wins. I'm still confused. DeMarco Murray out hasn't helped your cause, but none the less this has been tough to watch. And to think you haven't even had an NHL season to distract you...

Monica: You've been dumped on harder than anyone else. 835 points against?... Thats insane. But your team still sucks in general. 619 points for? Everyone else has at least 700 points. its your first season, granted. But Now that you've taken your hits, its time to get a couple wins and momentum into next season.

REMATCH TIME!!

Every game from here on out is a rematch of previous match-ups! Here is a look at this weeks match-ups and how the teams fared against each other in Week One!

*Projected scores are my scores, and not associated with ESPN...



COLLEEN (5-2) VS. ERIC (4-3)

Week One: Eric def. Colleen, 89-85
A tight match up ended in despair for Colleen as Fred Jackson went out with injury and only landed Colleen one point. Drew Brees led the way for Eric with 21 points, sending Colleen to a loss in her first  GDL appearance.

This Time Around:
This time you can expect a little more scoring, but like last time, you can expect this one to NOT end in blow out fashion. Eric and Colleen are 2nd and 3rd, respectively in scoring in the GDL. Cam Newton will take the snaps under center for Colleen, despite playing the top defense in the league right now. Meanwhile, only Owen Daniels is out on a bye week for Wallace.

Drew Brees will out perform Cam Newton without question, but both Colleen and Eric are tightly competitive with all RB's, WR's and the flex are considered. Which WR's and RB's will step up?

Projected Week 8 Score: Eric 113, Colleen 107



JOSH (4-3) VS. KEVIN (4-3)

Week One: Josh def. Kevin, 114-55
A total embarrassment, in which Josh had a potent rushing attack and Kevin had a potent rot... well pretty much everywhere. 

This Time Around:
Josh and Kevin's teams have been pretty comparable since week two in points production and both have found some success when both started to figure out their every day line ups. Both are hoping for wins to propel them back into the Wild Card race, and maybe even the division race as well.

Josh has more talent with his running game, when all things are considered. But this week, Kevin has struck gold, as he draws Josh in a week when the league's best overall back Arian Foster takes a seat on the bench with a bye week. Worse yet for Josh, his only potential replacement, Green-Ellis is also on a bye week. Meaning josh will have to go fishing down the waiver wire for a back up RB.

The running back issue will prove tough for Josh to overcome.

Projected Week 8 Score: Kevin 110, Josh 107



NEAL (5-2) VS. JON (2-5)

Week One: Eric def. Colleen, 111-92
A very respectable outing for Jon in his GDL debut, but not enough to overcome a stong showing from Neal on this week. Matt Ryan and Ray Rice were incredible, and Jimmy Graham and David Akers combined for 30 points.

This Time Around:
The good news for Neal: He sports one of the most reliable RB's in the NFL in Ray Rice, a dominating receiving threat in AJ Green and dominating performers with M. J-Drew and Jimmy Graham. The bad news: ALL WILL BE ABSENT THIS WEEK AGAINST JON.

As if Neal hasn't been struggling with injuries lately, Rice and Green both draw bye-weeks. To make matters worse, his back up WR Torrey Smith is ALSO on a bye this week. Meaning: Phillips has to ride the magical waiver wire just to land a WR to play this weekend.

This simply is just too much fire power not in play for Neal.

Projected Week 8 Score: Jon 110, Neal 91



JARED (3-4) VS. MONICA (1-6)

Week One: Jared def. Monica, 117-54
Jared blows Monica out in her GDL Debut behind solid performances from Julio Jones, Aaron Rogers, Gronk and the Texans D. Monica falls to 0-1 and many begin to question what she'll be able to do with a weaker line-up in future weeks. 

This Time Around:
Jared's team has been far from dominant as it was in Week One. the running backs have been abysmal at best, and Julio Jones was an On/Off light switch act with Roddy White all season, as QB Matt Ryan clearly prefers one WR to the other game by game.

Anquan Bolden will be out for Jared this week, but the biggest hit he will take... the Texans D, which has been one of the best defenses to this point. But Fred Jackson is out for Monica, and Frank Gore is hurting. Even if he plays, no one will expect a 100% performance out of Gore this week.

Monica won last week and wants to make it two in a row. But Aaron Rogers has finally found a little bit of rhythm with his receivers and Jared's entire team just has better match ups this week.

Projected Week 8 Score: Jared 102, Monica 95

Week 7 Power Rankings... GO MARISA DIVISION!!

8. Monica (1-6) Notched her first win in dominating fashion, putting 60+ points on the scoreboard. And that was JUST her 3 running backs... Can't move up from 8th, but this win bodes well for her going forward.

7. Jon (2-5) Another solid performance from a cellar dweller. Tom Brady and AP were solid in wins, and Brandon Marshall dominated the Lions defense. Jon is now only 2 games out of first place in the division with a struggling Neal team on the horizon.

6. Jared (3-4) What sucks in Fantasy Football is losing a match when your team puts up 100+ points. Whats even worse, is knowing your team would have beaten 4 other squads in the league that day. Jared draws Monica next week.

5. Kevin (4-3) Not a very good day for the Fightin' Usains, spotting a minimal 66 points to a struggling one win team. Kevin has the tools to go far, but he needs Matt Stafford to snap and wake up, and start finding his first round pick Calvin Johnson, STAT.

T-3. Josh (4-3) Aaaannnnddddd now we know who the first team is to lose to Monica. Whats worse is that he can't even get revenge, as Josh and Monica play once all season. Josh draws Kevin in a match of four win teams.

T-3. Eric (4-3) After a heart breaking loss to Neal's squad last week, Wallace rebounded in a big way this week and defeated Jared to take sole possession of first in the Marisa Korn Division. Eric is hot right now, but draws and even hotter Pet It It Grew team next week.

2. Neal (5-2) After a huge win over Eric last week, Neal steps back into divisional play and lays an egg against Colleen, giving her a share of first in the division. Colleen has been the hottest team as of late, but this one stings, and now Neal draws Jon fresh off of a big win of his own.

1. Colleen (5-2) The first time a female has finished 1st in the Power Rankings. Solid performance against Neal this week, and continues a 4-game win streak. Panny takes on Eric next week in the Seagrams Silver© Match of the Week.

Troll Toll Boy's Hole: Now Halitosis Kidz

Troll Toll Boy's Hole Undergoes Brand Identity Change
AP-Traverse City, MI Reported Monday, Oct. 22, 2012

After a season of few highs and many lows, Troll Toll Boy's Hole has decided to change the team name.  The former Boy's Hole team name will change to Halitosis Kidz.

Team GM Jared Glick has been under the microscope this season. After his team won the championship in 2010, his team flamed out last season. Many fans were calling for Glick's job during the off season, but was retained for the 2012 model; an unpopular choice with fans.

Glick's squad started the season 2-0 but then lost three games in a row. Despite playing in a softer division this season, Boy's Hole was never able to fully put it together. Glick suffered his 4th loss of the season at the hands of division rival Vick in a Box this weekend.

Halitosis Kidz new logo (AP)

Glick hasn't publicly announced the reasoning for the name change, but sources close to the Glick household in Acme, MI claim the unprecedented name-change in the middle of a season reflects his non-caring attitude, simply put "I don't give a fuck."

Glick's best friend and dog, Bosley is concerned for his well being.

"This is never an easy position for a GM to be in," Bosley said through a translator. "You only hope his team gets better so he can breathe a sigh of relief, but then he loses a game and he virtually gives up all hope. He almost gives up the will to live.

"I see him at his best and worst," continued Bosley. "In fact, I'm probably the only person Jared talks to on a regular basis because everyone else can't stand his face. He pretends to not care, telling those close to him he 'has no fucks to give.' But we all know this is eating him alive, and can't stand to live with himself."

Other GM's in the league are enjoying the misery of the Halitosis Kidz disgruntled GM.

"What a fag," said 1000 Degrees Calvin GM Neal Phillips. "He puts Bananas on his pancakes. What? The syrup wasn't sugary enough for you, you queer?..."

 Jared's lonely bottle of Gin was reached for comment, but did not respond.

Week 6 Power Rankings

This week's FANTASTIC FOUR looks pretty similar to most weeks with a new exception... Jared. Neal got back on track to his winning ways, and Kevin is staying on his current hot streak. Colleen is starting to heat up. Jared (behind a career night from Aaron Rogers) blasted his way to .500 and draws even with Eric in the Korn division, with a huge match up with Wallace looming...

Some things didn't change, like the bottom of the Power rankings...

8. Monica
Once again, this worthless team was unable to get off the ground against Kevin's Surging Usains. There is no possible way Monica can finish anything but 8th next week, even if she were to win and finish 1st.

7. Jon
Jon's team made a late comeback and did enough to get into the 90's for scoring. This team is there, just finding the rough end of the stick every week.

6. Jared
A WIN! And holy Aaron Rogers. 38 points, behind 5 TD passes. Its a good thing too, because a loss would have meant all of us having to deal with hormonal Jared (worse than PMS) for yet ANOTHER week...

5. Eric
A decent performance from the Ragin' Vicks this week, but not much you can do when Jordy Nelson has a career night in the books... And worse, the loss drops Wallace to 3-3, tied with Glick in the division and next weeks game to decide the lead for the Marisa Korn Division.

4. Josh
Phillip Rivers kind of dropped the ball (and threw it to the Bronco D-Backs too) just enough to send Josh to a crashing defeat to a struggling Glick team. Josh (along with Eric) fell victim to a crazy Packers night. Should get a bounce back win next week against Monica, however.

T2. Colleen
For weeks the Fightin' Pettigrews were winning in ugly fashion, much like Ugly Betty winning a cake eating contest. This week, she completes a solid, all around effort and gets Neal in what will be sure to be an epic showdown in the Snoop Division.

T2. Kevin
Brennan is silently putting together a solid performance and raises his WL to 4-2. He also gets the struggling Backy Man's next week, and despite a bye week for Michael Turner, should still cruise to victory over Jon.

1. Neal
And back come the Nealios. After a sour performance a week ago, Neal took those frustrations out on Eric hot streak. Top heavy performances from AJ Green, Ray Rice and Holy Jordy Fucking Nelson... draws Colleen next week.

WEEK 5 Power Rankings, spookin' the shit out of you all!

8. Monica (0-5)
There's a new general concern going around the league. Its called "I don't wanna be the first to lose to Monica..." That's a pretty legit fear, considering how poor this team really is. And she draws Kevin in Week 6, fresh off a 120+ point performance. Yikes, this ship isn't sinking, its already on the ocean floor in pieces, waiting to be discovered by a diving crew.

7. Jon (1-4)
Well Andre Johnson needed a huge game to give Jon a chance and he dropped the ball... literally. Still not an atrocious week, putting up a 93 point performance that would have beaten 4 other teams in the league. A loss is a loss, though and its hurting Jon's playoff chances, even with Tom Brady and AP.

6. Jared (2-3)
Another big loss this week. No chance of beating Kevin anyways, but one has to think where this team is going to be at seasons end. Rashard Mendenhall will help immensely, but with back to back games against Josh and Eric ahead, things look shitty in aptly named "No Fucks to Give Town."

5. Eric (3-2)
Anytime your QB gets injured for the game, only gets you 3 points and you still score 107, you have to be happy. Jon made things interesting, but Eric came out on top in stellar fashion, as he has done now in back to back weeks. Eric is one of the hottest teams as of late, and good thing too, as Neal strolls into town looking to avenge that nasty defeat in Week 5.

T3. Colleen (3-2)
Truthfully, this was awful looking performance. Playing anyone else not named papa or mama skunk, she would have been destroyed. But a win is a win and the power rankings also takes wins into consideration... Jon's on the docket in Week 6, and his team is banged up, with Brandon Marshall on a bye. But so, too is Cam Newton....

T3. Kevin (3-2)
Two words that Jared never, ever wants to hear again: Marques and Colston. Holy shit. Way to make Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham turn into a dissapearing act, Drew Brees... Looked dominant in Week 6 and will probably be able to ease up on the burners in Week 6 with Monica due up on the schedule, even as he gets Megatron back.

T1. Neal (4-1)
If you have to lose your first game of the season, this is not how you want things to go down. 78 points without one really solid performance. And worse, suffering the loss to a division contender who is now tied atop the standings with you... ouch. And he'll have to play another hot team next week, as Eric has put up 246 points in 2 weeks. Yeesh.

T1. Josh (4-1)
That Bears Defense has been stellar all season long, with back-to-back-to-back 20+ point fantasy performances. Arian Foster is holding true as the lone dominant back in the NFL and Tony Gonzalez hasn't looked this good since the Kennedy Administration. Josh will probably need more out of the receiving game in the future to keep this pace, none the less, and against Jared would be a great time for that to happen.

Power Rankings WEEK 4!!

And here we are... 25% of the way through the season and some things are very clear... Neal is running off with the lead and a 4-0 start. And is starting to pull away from the rest of the pack with some very good performances.

Yes sir. Its looking tough to beat the old Fightin' Calvins these days, yet on the other side of the spectrum, Jon and Monica together own just one win thus far... the lone win coming from Backus in a showdown with Monica. Looks like Fantasy Football doesn't mix well with Hockey and... well I'm not quite sure what Monica's excuse was this week...

The rest however is still up in the air, as Josh, Colleen, Eric, Kevin and Jared are all separated by a mere 6 Power Points in the latest poll... meaning these five come next week could get re-jumbled up, once again.

All we can really dictate are trends. Colleen is on a .500 looking pace, but still getting some valuable point production. Josh, other than a loss to Colleen in what was a monster weekend for her, is cruising now, with solid back-to-back wins, and Eric really blasted out this week with a 139 point performance, the largest thus far into the fantasy football season.

Despite a loss, Kevin is still putting up some valuable points. The real question in this group is how Jared is going to fare down the stretch. The lowest ranked of the so-called "Jumbled Five," the run game is inept, and WR's talented, but shaky where fantasy point value is concerned.

Either way, this promises to be a tough stretch in the coming days, and the Jumbled Five will get a chance to knock each other in the mouths in the coming weeks, jumbling this poll even further.

1. Neal (4-0)
Credit given where its due, this team just seems to keep doling the points every single week. Just when you thought Ray Rice struggled and the Calvins looked fairly beatable, in marches Matt Ryan and AJ Green to save the day.

2. Josh (3-1)
Amazing to think Josh was a CJ Spiller raping away from being undefeated too, but to his defense, his team hasn't looked bad all season, putting up at minimum 99 points in every single game.

3. Colleen (2-2)
Colleen's team did just enough to beat a team that, save Aaron Rogers and Texans D performances, looked pretty suspect in Week 4. But 114 points is hard to turn your nose up at. Watch out for the Pet it it Grews next week against Monica in the first ever Estrogen Bowl, presented by Monistat-3!

T-4. Eric (2-2)
Holy San Francisco D!! But it didn't end there. The run game was extremely solid, the recievers were stellar and RG3 went RG3 on Tampa Bay. Great momentum type win for the Vicks in a Box, going up against a struggling one-win Backus Squad.

T-4. Kevin (2-2)
Scoring over 100 points in a contest and STILL losing blows, no matter who you are. None the less, Kevin gets to set his sights on Jared next week in a match up with a Glicked-Up squad that's dropped two in a row.

6. Jared (2-2)
Its never fun to lose to your girlfriend in fantasy football. Whats worse, she really has no idea how it happened, and that it just happened because your team was just bad enough. The running game was and could continue to be atrocious. Back to the drawing board...

7. Backy-Man (1-3)
The decision to play an NHL season or not couldn't come any sooner for Jon. This team, that started out with much promise behind stars like Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Andre Johnson has started to decline over the last couple weeks, and a match up with Eric off a 139 point game is NOT what the Doctor ordered.

8. Monica (OH-FER)
Technically, this wasn't even a terrible game. She still put up 84 points and had a decent showing from Matt Stafford. But arguably her best week comes at the hands of a 139 point winner, and still was the least amount of points scored league wide... Poor luck Zeebie.

WHATS LEFT GOING INTO MONDAY!

For the officially finished games...

COLLEEN DEF. JARED, 114-93
We all know how much Colleen really wanted this to be a close, grind it out rivalry for bragging rights, but the truth is, its hard to imagine a scenario where Colleen didn't win this match up. Jared's skill players have sunk to fantasy lows, and after a strong start, it looks as though Jared's team has officially hit the shitter.

It's almost to the point where Colleen probably can't be overly excited or proud about the win, as a win over this kind of a team is just sort of expected. Like an NFL team playing a group of kids with down syndrome.

NEAL DEF. KEVIN, 114-102
Valiant effort by Brennan to storm back in the later part of the day, but in the end it just wasn't enough to knock Neal off the unbeaten pedestal. Neal's undefeated chances took a hit when the Raven's D and Ray Rice combined for a subpar, not very Ray Rice like performance on Thursday. But the Fighting Calvins found a way, behind stupendous efforts from Matt Ryan, AJ Green and Dwayne Bowe. Jordy Nelson was also key in the victory.

Kevin, on the other hand found some strength and even positives in the loss. The Patriots do indeed have a run game with Stevan Ridley... albeit against the Bills woeful defense, which might be the biggest NFL disappointment thus far a quarter the way through the season.


Games essentially over...

ERIC LEADS MONICA, 145-75
In a parallel universe in which Miles Austin gets an automatic 50 points to start the game for being handsome, Monica would at least have a shot. Miles Austin is not a 70+ point player, nor really all that handsome, so Monica is going to fall to Eric for her 4th straight loss. The Triple D's are still looking for their first career win, but she will have to wait another week.

Only two players on Eric's roster scored under 10 points, and San Fransisco's Defense was the highest scoring fantasy play in all of Week 4 (tied with Tom Brady). All three of Eric's running backs were better than 17 points, and a combined 26 point effort from the WR's capped the best overall week by a fantasy team this season in the GDL. Great momentum push going into next week's showdown with Jon.


A Game going down to the wire...

JOSH LEADS JON, 71-62
Both these squads have looked inept, to say the least in Week 4. Nunen holds the 9 point lead going into Monday night, and still gets the Bears' Defense put into play as well. Dez Bryant probably won't provide much buffer for Josh, but he's better than nothing.

Meanwhile, Backus will have to rely on DeMarco Murray and Brandon Marshall to provide the big push to compete for the lead. A win over Josh will go a long way for Jon, as a win would cement a three way tie in the Korn Division with Eric and Jared, with a chance to knock Eric out of it next week...

The theme of this picture is simple. Some teams simply have no clue what the fuck they are doing... period.

Given every single line up stays the same going into the match ups tomorrow, here's what you can expect from the weekend match-ups, from Eric Wallace's stand point.

MONICA (0-3) vs. ERIC (1-2)

Its been a rough go of it for the Zeebster to start her rookie campaign. Eventually, things have to start looking up at some point, and against Eric's weaker squad in Week 4, this might just be the week to pull out the "Slump Buster."

Matt Stafford has struggled thus far this season, but he's due for a huge game at some point. Most think it will be against the Vikings, who have found some defensive success to start the 2012 campaign, but haven't faced a truly accomplished passing attack like the Lions yet. Call me crazy, but I believe the move to play Cedric Benson is a wise move in the flex. Against an atrocious Saints rush defense, even Benson should bust out yards and a TD on Sunday.

Eric has struggled to find consistency at the RB position. Jamal Charles has been unreliable one week and explosive the next. But Marshawn Lynch has finally come into his own, and once Bradshaw can get back 100% healthy, the running attack could be dangerous.

And don't turn your back on RG3, the league leader in points thus far. RG3 and Damaryius Thomas boost the Vicks in a Box past Beaston Implants in a tight one, 101-98.

NEAL (3-0) vs. KEVIN (2-1)

Neal bolted out of the gates this season and has never looked back. Ray Rice and Matt Ryan have dominated for the Fighting Calvins, and with everyone's deficiencies, it looks like its going to be a coast to the playoffs for that Fedora wearing faggot.

Despite the success, NP's wins have come at the hands of a much weaker division. The combined W-L record of his opponents thus far is (2-7). His upcoming three divisional opponents are a much more respectable (5-4), and all three have had losses in the higher digits as well.

Kevin is one of those opponents, with WR's that have blasted out of Week 3 with momentum and a surprise pick in Trent Richardson. The key to this one, albeit closer than the current spread, will be how much success Eli Manning finds against the Eagles secondary... Calvins 110, Usain's 40's 102.

JARED (1-2) vs. COLLEEN (1-2)

This might end up being a close match-up once its finished, but it will be boring as fuck. Not even because Colleen keeps jumping on Waiver Wire RB's that get hurt and is running with shit at this point, and not because Jared's team is boring in general to watch, but mostly because while this match-up is going on, WE ALL KNOW these two will undeniably cuddle and hold each other like fucking douche bags at the end of it.

Don't believe me? Ask Colleen... Even she proclaimed in her mightiest shit talk to Jared earlier in the week: "God, I hope Spiller plays this week so I can CRUSH you! <3"

Heart?... HEART??? God go watch "Dear John" together, you nasty fuck buckets... Pet it it Grew's 93, Boy's Hole 87.

JON (1-2) vs. JOSH (2-1)

And last but certainly not least... the rumor mill is proclaiming NHL Commish Gary Betteman and Union's Donald Fehr are meeting to discuss this weekend about ending the NHL Lockout, in an attempt to save the upcoming season... 

...Blow Up Doll 110, Dick Snipers 67.

SEE YA!

WEEK 3 Power Rankings

Its that simple. Neal is keeping his stranglehold over the top spot this week, finishing in the top three every week with back to back #1 performances. As calculated, Neal is slowly pulling himself away from the rest of the pack, and as everyone's teams seem to have a few deficiencies, at least Neal is able to get a consistant 20+ points from somewhere on the roster.

Meanwhile, Monica is left in the cellar this week, and will really need a huge boost in Week 4 in order to pull herself out of the bottom spot a week from today. Even then, its would take a HUGE margin of victory over Eric to do it. The odds aren't in her favor.

Everyone else is "leveling out" in the middle, so to speak. Kevin is bouncing back after an atrocious Week One performance, while Eric and Jared found themselves falling down the list with little room for error next week.

Things are starting to sift into place. This bodes well for Neal, but not so much for Monica...

1) Neal (3-0, Prev. 1) Ray Rice, MJD, Matt Ryan, AJ Green. In the clutch. Four players that outscored Monica, Eric, Jared and Colleen's entire team. Nuff said.

2) Josh (2-1, Prev. 2) Arian Foster is, well Arian Foster. Watch out for Tony Gonzales, with 3TD's already. And HOLY EFFING DEFENSE, Chicago!

T-3) Kevin (2-1, Prev. 6) Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald FINALLY had star type games. Kevin can't wait to see the two play each other in Glendale in December... Neither can I :)

T-3) Colleen (1-2, Prev. 3) And all that massive shit talk about CJ Spiller... The only thing keeping Colleen out of the Fantasy dunk tank in Week 3: Her kicker. Ouch.

5) Jared (2-1, Prev 3) Aaron Rogers has been non existant so far this season. Not that it mattered much, as 3 players scored double digits.

T-6) Eric (1-2, Prev 5) Jamal Charles did WHAT?... And he was on your BENCH?... Bench blunder of the year, thus far.

T-6) Jon (1-2, Prev.7) No one player single handedly power housed Jon to victory. But as the 'ole saying goes, steady always wins the race.

8) Monica (0-3, Prev. 8) At some point, one has to wonder if Chris Johnson is even worth playing. Then again, is this entire fantasy line up really worth playing either?...

WEEK 2: POWER RANKINGS

What a difference a week can make. A dominant performance in Week 1 for Jared leads to a weak performance in Week 2, and yet still manages to beat Jon by 8. Meanwhile, Josh punds the pavement with 99 points but was no match for Colleen's outrageous 132 point performance. So this edition of the rankings is going to be tough to muster. I think I made a          fair set of rankings, so here goes nothing...                                                      

(Ok, so before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm combining your Week 2 performances with your previous performances. So if you beat your opponent and you're still ranked behind them... don't bitch. There was actual math put into this, so STFU...)

Week One Power Rankings

Its hard to do a real set of Power Rankings only one week into the season, but someone has to do them.  Thus, I give you the really early POWER RANKINGS, WEEK ONE!


BOTTOM FEEDERS:

Sad Face. I only scored Monica a point.

8. Monica
Bonus points awarded for having an outrageously awesome week in total points!.. Then immediately lose said bonus points for having 62% of you points on your bench.

7. Kevin
You have to think that Megatron and Fitzgerald will do better than 16 combined points next week, and that the RB's and flex will score more than 7 combined points as well. Plus the injuries... Rough start for KB.


IN THE HUNT: 

6. Colleen
A number of things went wrong for CP, such as Fred Taylor leaving the game, Antonio Brown dropping TD passes and Cam Newton not being Cam Newton-esq. A slim loss that CP could easily bounce back from in Week 2.

I'm back, bitches. And Backus wins.

4 (Tie) Backus
JB held the lead for most of the match up, until Ray Rice went bananas and sent The Snipers packing. But an encouraging start for the rookie, none the less, and we're all but certain JB's next opponents won't be so lucky to see Adrian Peterson on the bench, either...

4 (Tie) Wallace
A less than stellar win for EW. Brees was solid, but the Defense, RB and Flex issues almost cost EW the match. Provided Lynch is 100%, this team could be trouble. but even that's a MAJOR if...


THE REGULATORS:

3. Neal
Solid comeback from NP, all on the shoulders of Ray Rice, who was brilliant. So was was Jimmy Graham and Matt Ryan, who was connecting with Julio Jones all day and making the Chiefs look stupid. NP will need improvements from his WR's, Flex and RB's not named Ray from here on out, as Ryan and Rice probably won't combine for over 50 every game.

2. Josh
Best RB performance of the week, with Foster, Forte and Kevin Smith combining for 57 points.  Greg Jennings and Dez Bryant were off and will need to rebound, but solid effort from Fuck Head this week.

1. Glick

Suck it. 

Rogers was Rogers. Texans/D stomped a terrible Miami offense. And NEWS FLASH!... Julio jones was a beast. Next News Flash: Jones will NOT put up 22 points on a regular basis, but nice performance none the less.

THREE PENIS WINE, from TACO, CORP.

WEEK ONE: Sunday Night Recap, Monday Night Preview

Week One Match-ups, heading into the Monday Night Games:

Basic Recap:

I Put My Vick In A Box has officially defeated You Pet It, It Grew... Antonio Brown against the Broncos on Sunday night was It Grew's last chance to win, but Brown buffed some passes and alas, It Grew falls short. It Grew will try to rebound next week against Denard's Blow Up Doll.

For all intensive purposes, Triple D Breaston Implants has also lost to Troll Toll Boy's Hole in Week One. Unless Darren McFadden manages to gain -53 yards against the Chargers Monday night, Triple D will be doubled up by Troll Toll in her Fantasy debut.

Faster Than Usain's 40 had a rough go of it Week One, but it would have taken a monumental effort to be able to defeat Denard's Blow Up Doll in Week One anyways. Life is good when all three of your starting running back combine for more points than the opponent...

The only undecided game left on the docket are the defending champs 1000 Degrees Calvin, who are currently down to the rookie The Dick Snipers by 14 heading into the Monday night games. 1000 Degrees still has the ever explosive Ray Rice and Fleet of Foot AJ Green going on Monday Night, and Torrey Smith will add to the potential fire power. Antonio Gates steps in for The Snipers, as does the Bengals Defense. Still plenty to be decided in this matchup come Monday evening.