Week 8 Power Rankings: You all suck, except Jared is good

Really, GDL? REALLY?...

Save Jared, this league as a whole looked pathetic this week. PATHETIC.

"But Eric, you didn't do well... in fact, you were the worst."
Yes, thats true. And when I look at the scoreboard and realize my running backs combined for 10 points, Jamal Charles forgot how to play football and Drew Brees gets shut down, I cringe. The worst part... Colleen wins her 5th game in a row, and she didn't deserve to win either.

"But Eric, Neal had 99 points, and Josh had 88. It wasn't ALL that bad."
Let me break it to you like this: There's 8 teams in the league. 8. You all collectively have at least 3-4 fantasy studs on your team. With an 8-team league, there's an understanding by all parties that anything under 100 points is kind of mediocre, but anything under 90 is sad. 6-of-8 teams placed under the 90-point mark this week.

"But Eric, this week was a fluke ... my team generally sucks."
No Jared, your team, with Aaron Rogers, Rob Gronkowski and Julio Jones should be right there in the mix every week. You're RB platoon is not amazing, granted. But McFadden can at least chip in 10-plus points a game to go with a stellar passing regime your team boasts. In fact, your 123-point performance puts you square in the mix for the Division Race and a possible playoff push. Fuck you and making excuses for your 4-4 record. If you lose out on the playoffs, its your fault, not Shonne Greene and Steven Jackson's fault.

Here's the Power Rankings:

T-1. Colleen (6-2)
T-1. Neal (6-2)
3. Josh (5-3)
4. Jared (4-4)
T-5. Eric (4-4)
T-5. Kevin (4-4)
7. Jon (2-6)
8. Monica (1-7)

Now, a personal message to each of you individually from the commish about your awful weeks:

Colleen: You win. Again. Congrats. You win 5 in a row and are officially the hottest team now in fantasy football at this time... But know that the next time you take a shit in the form of 76 points and don't spray, its going to comeback to haunt you. 76 points is awful, and 76 points in the future will cause you to miss out on the top seed or maybe even worse.

Neal: A stellar win this week, one point shy of 100. Propels you to 6-2 and now you are in striking distance for the league's top record... You are the luckiest son of a bitch ever though. What a ballsy move to play Titus Young, for 22 POINTS??? You should have lost to Vick in a Box, if not for JORDY NELSON. Its better to be lucky than good sometimes, but you are skating on thin ice, and the ice eventually will break.

Josh: I have nothing really for you. Arian Foster was out and you still managed to put up 88-points. Not too shabby, I guess. You should probably figure out if your keeping Jennings or dropping him though. He's a huge waste of space on your bench. And your QB situation is pretty unbearable to watch too. You might have to initiate some trades soon, especially since you have Arian Foster, Matt Forte and the Bears' D, and yet are STILL looking up at Colleen and Neal in the standings.

Jared: I just hate you and everything about your incessant whining about how your fantasy football team sucks because your players suck. Just admit: you suck and shut up. 

Eric (yes, I can't call you all out without calling myself out too...): You have the best core of starting WR's, RB's, TE's a sweet defense and the best QB situation in the league... and yet you still have 4 losses.... you are a pathetic, worthless shit hole, and if you can take this roster and STILL miss the playoffs, you should probably resign from the league and take up ballet, because at that point, you're a giant pussy faggot...

Kevin: You had every player available. You still managed to only get 3 players in double digits. One was your kicker. This was a sad performance from you, and you better make up for this... by buying me a shot in the MGM lobby in 6 weeks. Or a beer at the Cardinals/Lions game... whichever you prefer.

Jon: Tom Brady and AP alone should make almost every team a playoff contender, and yet you've mustered up a measly 2 wins. I'm still confused. DeMarco Murray out hasn't helped your cause, but none the less this has been tough to watch. And to think you haven't even had an NHL season to distract you...

Monica: You've been dumped on harder than anyone else. 835 points against?... Thats insane. But your team still sucks in general. 619 points for? Everyone else has at least 700 points. its your first season, granted. But Now that you've taken your hits, its time to get a couple wins and momentum into next season.

REMATCH TIME!!

Every game from here on out is a rematch of previous match-ups! Here is a look at this weeks match-ups and how the teams fared against each other in Week One!

*Projected scores are my scores, and not associated with ESPN...



COLLEEN (5-2) VS. ERIC (4-3)

Week One: Eric def. Colleen, 89-85
A tight match up ended in despair for Colleen as Fred Jackson went out with injury and only landed Colleen one point. Drew Brees led the way for Eric with 21 points, sending Colleen to a loss in her first  GDL appearance.

This Time Around:
This time you can expect a little more scoring, but like last time, you can expect this one to NOT end in blow out fashion. Eric and Colleen are 2nd and 3rd, respectively in scoring in the GDL. Cam Newton will take the snaps under center for Colleen, despite playing the top defense in the league right now. Meanwhile, only Owen Daniels is out on a bye week for Wallace.

Drew Brees will out perform Cam Newton without question, but both Colleen and Eric are tightly competitive with all RB's, WR's and the flex are considered. Which WR's and RB's will step up?

Projected Week 8 Score: Eric 113, Colleen 107



JOSH (4-3) VS. KEVIN (4-3)

Week One: Josh def. Kevin, 114-55
A total embarrassment, in which Josh had a potent rushing attack and Kevin had a potent rot... well pretty much everywhere. 

This Time Around:
Josh and Kevin's teams have been pretty comparable since week two in points production and both have found some success when both started to figure out their every day line ups. Both are hoping for wins to propel them back into the Wild Card race, and maybe even the division race as well.

Josh has more talent with his running game, when all things are considered. But this week, Kevin has struck gold, as he draws Josh in a week when the league's best overall back Arian Foster takes a seat on the bench with a bye week. Worse yet for Josh, his only potential replacement, Green-Ellis is also on a bye week. Meaning josh will have to go fishing down the waiver wire for a back up RB.

The running back issue will prove tough for Josh to overcome.

Projected Week 8 Score: Kevin 110, Josh 107



NEAL (5-2) VS. JON (2-5)

Week One: Eric def. Colleen, 111-92
A very respectable outing for Jon in his GDL debut, but not enough to overcome a stong showing from Neal on this week. Matt Ryan and Ray Rice were incredible, and Jimmy Graham and David Akers combined for 30 points.

This Time Around:
The good news for Neal: He sports one of the most reliable RB's in the NFL in Ray Rice, a dominating receiving threat in AJ Green and dominating performers with M. J-Drew and Jimmy Graham. The bad news: ALL WILL BE ABSENT THIS WEEK AGAINST JON.

As if Neal hasn't been struggling with injuries lately, Rice and Green both draw bye-weeks. To make matters worse, his back up WR Torrey Smith is ALSO on a bye this week. Meaning: Phillips has to ride the magical waiver wire just to land a WR to play this weekend.

This simply is just too much fire power not in play for Neal.

Projected Week 8 Score: Jon 110, Neal 91



JARED (3-4) VS. MONICA (1-6)

Week One: Jared def. Monica, 117-54
Jared blows Monica out in her GDL Debut behind solid performances from Julio Jones, Aaron Rogers, Gronk and the Texans D. Monica falls to 0-1 and many begin to question what she'll be able to do with a weaker line-up in future weeks. 

This Time Around:
Jared's team has been far from dominant as it was in Week One. the running backs have been abysmal at best, and Julio Jones was an On/Off light switch act with Roddy White all season, as QB Matt Ryan clearly prefers one WR to the other game by game.

Anquan Bolden will be out for Jared this week, but the biggest hit he will take... the Texans D, which has been one of the best defenses to this point. But Fred Jackson is out for Monica, and Frank Gore is hurting. Even if he plays, no one will expect a 100% performance out of Gore this week.

Monica won last week and wants to make it two in a row. But Aaron Rogers has finally found a little bit of rhythm with his receivers and Jared's entire team just has better match ups this week.

Projected Week 8 Score: Jared 102, Monica 95

Week 7 Power Rankings... GO MARISA DIVISION!!

8. Monica (1-6) Notched her first win in dominating fashion, putting 60+ points on the scoreboard. And that was JUST her 3 running backs... Can't move up from 8th, but this win bodes well for her going forward.

7. Jon (2-5) Another solid performance from a cellar dweller. Tom Brady and AP were solid in wins, and Brandon Marshall dominated the Lions defense. Jon is now only 2 games out of first place in the division with a struggling Neal team on the horizon.

6. Jared (3-4) What sucks in Fantasy Football is losing a match when your team puts up 100+ points. Whats even worse, is knowing your team would have beaten 4 other squads in the league that day. Jared draws Monica next week.

5. Kevin (4-3) Not a very good day for the Fightin' Usains, spotting a minimal 66 points to a struggling one win team. Kevin has the tools to go far, but he needs Matt Stafford to snap and wake up, and start finding his first round pick Calvin Johnson, STAT.

T-3. Josh (4-3) Aaaannnnddddd now we know who the first team is to lose to Monica. Whats worse is that he can't even get revenge, as Josh and Monica play once all season. Josh draws Kevin in a match of four win teams.

T-3. Eric (4-3) After a heart breaking loss to Neal's squad last week, Wallace rebounded in a big way this week and defeated Jared to take sole possession of first in the Marisa Korn Division. Eric is hot right now, but draws and even hotter Pet It It Grew team next week.

2. Neal (5-2) After a huge win over Eric last week, Neal steps back into divisional play and lays an egg against Colleen, giving her a share of first in the division. Colleen has been the hottest team as of late, but this one stings, and now Neal draws Jon fresh off of a big win of his own.

1. Colleen (5-2) The first time a female has finished 1st in the Power Rankings. Solid performance against Neal this week, and continues a 4-game win streak. Panny takes on Eric next week in the Seagrams Silver© Match of the Week.

Troll Toll Boy's Hole: Now Halitosis Kidz

Troll Toll Boy's Hole Undergoes Brand Identity Change
AP-Traverse City, MI Reported Monday, Oct. 22, 2012

After a season of few highs and many lows, Troll Toll Boy's Hole has decided to change the team name.  The former Boy's Hole team name will change to Halitosis Kidz.

Team GM Jared Glick has been under the microscope this season. After his team won the championship in 2010, his team flamed out last season. Many fans were calling for Glick's job during the off season, but was retained for the 2012 model; an unpopular choice with fans.

Glick's squad started the season 2-0 but then lost three games in a row. Despite playing in a softer division this season, Boy's Hole was never able to fully put it together. Glick suffered his 4th loss of the season at the hands of division rival Vick in a Box this weekend.

Halitosis Kidz new logo (AP)

Glick hasn't publicly announced the reasoning for the name change, but sources close to the Glick household in Acme, MI claim the unprecedented name-change in the middle of a season reflects his non-caring attitude, simply put "I don't give a fuck."

Glick's best friend and dog, Bosley is concerned for his well being.

"This is never an easy position for a GM to be in," Bosley said through a translator. "You only hope his team gets better so he can breathe a sigh of relief, but then he loses a game and he virtually gives up all hope. He almost gives up the will to live.

"I see him at his best and worst," continued Bosley. "In fact, I'm probably the only person Jared talks to on a regular basis because everyone else can't stand his face. He pretends to not care, telling those close to him he 'has no fucks to give.' But we all know this is eating him alive, and can't stand to live with himself."

Other GM's in the league are enjoying the misery of the Halitosis Kidz disgruntled GM.

"What a fag," said 1000 Degrees Calvin GM Neal Phillips. "He puts Bananas on his pancakes. What? The syrup wasn't sugary enough for you, you queer?..."

 Jared's lonely bottle of Gin was reached for comment, but did not respond.

Week 6 Power Rankings

This week's FANTASTIC FOUR looks pretty similar to most weeks with a new exception... Jared. Neal got back on track to his winning ways, and Kevin is staying on his current hot streak. Colleen is starting to heat up. Jared (behind a career night from Aaron Rogers) blasted his way to .500 and draws even with Eric in the Korn division, with a huge match up with Wallace looming...

Some things didn't change, like the bottom of the Power rankings...

8. Monica
Once again, this worthless team was unable to get off the ground against Kevin's Surging Usains. There is no possible way Monica can finish anything but 8th next week, even if she were to win and finish 1st.

7. Jon
Jon's team made a late comeback and did enough to get into the 90's for scoring. This team is there, just finding the rough end of the stick every week.

6. Jared
A WIN! And holy Aaron Rogers. 38 points, behind 5 TD passes. Its a good thing too, because a loss would have meant all of us having to deal with hormonal Jared (worse than PMS) for yet ANOTHER week...

5. Eric
A decent performance from the Ragin' Vicks this week, but not much you can do when Jordy Nelson has a career night in the books... And worse, the loss drops Wallace to 3-3, tied with Glick in the division and next weeks game to decide the lead for the Marisa Korn Division.

4. Josh
Phillip Rivers kind of dropped the ball (and threw it to the Bronco D-Backs too) just enough to send Josh to a crashing defeat to a struggling Glick team. Josh (along with Eric) fell victim to a crazy Packers night. Should get a bounce back win next week against Monica, however.

T2. Colleen
For weeks the Fightin' Pettigrews were winning in ugly fashion, much like Ugly Betty winning a cake eating contest. This week, she completes a solid, all around effort and gets Neal in what will be sure to be an epic showdown in the Snoop Division.

T2. Kevin
Brennan is silently putting together a solid performance and raises his WL to 4-2. He also gets the struggling Backy Man's next week, and despite a bye week for Michael Turner, should still cruise to victory over Jon.

1. Neal
And back come the Nealios. After a sour performance a week ago, Neal took those frustrations out on Eric hot streak. Top heavy performances from AJ Green, Ray Rice and Holy Jordy Fucking Nelson... draws Colleen next week.

WEEK 5 Power Rankings, spookin' the shit out of you all!

8. Monica (0-5)
There's a new general concern going around the league. Its called "I don't wanna be the first to lose to Monica..." That's a pretty legit fear, considering how poor this team really is. And she draws Kevin in Week 6, fresh off a 120+ point performance. Yikes, this ship isn't sinking, its already on the ocean floor in pieces, waiting to be discovered by a diving crew.

7. Jon (1-4)
Well Andre Johnson needed a huge game to give Jon a chance and he dropped the ball... literally. Still not an atrocious week, putting up a 93 point performance that would have beaten 4 other teams in the league. A loss is a loss, though and its hurting Jon's playoff chances, even with Tom Brady and AP.

6. Jared (2-3)
Another big loss this week. No chance of beating Kevin anyways, but one has to think where this team is going to be at seasons end. Rashard Mendenhall will help immensely, but with back to back games against Josh and Eric ahead, things look shitty in aptly named "No Fucks to Give Town."

5. Eric (3-2)
Anytime your QB gets injured for the game, only gets you 3 points and you still score 107, you have to be happy. Jon made things interesting, but Eric came out on top in stellar fashion, as he has done now in back to back weeks. Eric is one of the hottest teams as of late, and good thing too, as Neal strolls into town looking to avenge that nasty defeat in Week 5.

T3. Colleen (3-2)
Truthfully, this was awful looking performance. Playing anyone else not named papa or mama skunk, she would have been destroyed. But a win is a win and the power rankings also takes wins into consideration... Jon's on the docket in Week 6, and his team is banged up, with Brandon Marshall on a bye. But so, too is Cam Newton....

T3. Kevin (3-2)
Two words that Jared never, ever wants to hear again: Marques and Colston. Holy shit. Way to make Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham turn into a dissapearing act, Drew Brees... Looked dominant in Week 6 and will probably be able to ease up on the burners in Week 6 with Monica due up on the schedule, even as he gets Megatron back.

T1. Neal (4-1)
If you have to lose your first game of the season, this is not how you want things to go down. 78 points without one really solid performance. And worse, suffering the loss to a division contender who is now tied atop the standings with you... ouch. And he'll have to play another hot team next week, as Eric has put up 246 points in 2 weeks. Yeesh.

T1. Josh (4-1)
That Bears Defense has been stellar all season long, with back-to-back-to-back 20+ point fantasy performances. Arian Foster is holding true as the lone dominant back in the NFL and Tony Gonzalez hasn't looked this good since the Kennedy Administration. Josh will probably need more out of the receiving game in the future to keep this pace, none the less, and against Jared would be a great time for that to happen.

Power Rankings WEEK 4!!

And here we are... 25% of the way through the season and some things are very clear... Neal is running off with the lead and a 4-0 start. And is starting to pull away from the rest of the pack with some very good performances.

Yes sir. Its looking tough to beat the old Fightin' Calvins these days, yet on the other side of the spectrum, Jon and Monica together own just one win thus far... the lone win coming from Backus in a showdown with Monica. Looks like Fantasy Football doesn't mix well with Hockey and... well I'm not quite sure what Monica's excuse was this week...

The rest however is still up in the air, as Josh, Colleen, Eric, Kevin and Jared are all separated by a mere 6 Power Points in the latest poll... meaning these five come next week could get re-jumbled up, once again.

All we can really dictate are trends. Colleen is on a .500 looking pace, but still getting some valuable point production. Josh, other than a loss to Colleen in what was a monster weekend for her, is cruising now, with solid back-to-back wins, and Eric really blasted out this week with a 139 point performance, the largest thus far into the fantasy football season.

Despite a loss, Kevin is still putting up some valuable points. The real question in this group is how Jared is going to fare down the stretch. The lowest ranked of the so-called "Jumbled Five," the run game is inept, and WR's talented, but shaky where fantasy point value is concerned.

Either way, this promises to be a tough stretch in the coming days, and the Jumbled Five will get a chance to knock each other in the mouths in the coming weeks, jumbling this poll even further.

1. Neal (4-0)
Credit given where its due, this team just seems to keep doling the points every single week. Just when you thought Ray Rice struggled and the Calvins looked fairly beatable, in marches Matt Ryan and AJ Green to save the day.

2. Josh (3-1)
Amazing to think Josh was a CJ Spiller raping away from being undefeated too, but to his defense, his team hasn't looked bad all season, putting up at minimum 99 points in every single game.

3. Colleen (2-2)
Colleen's team did just enough to beat a team that, save Aaron Rogers and Texans D performances, looked pretty suspect in Week 4. But 114 points is hard to turn your nose up at. Watch out for the Pet it it Grews next week against Monica in the first ever Estrogen Bowl, presented by Monistat-3!

T-4. Eric (2-2)
Holy San Francisco D!! But it didn't end there. The run game was extremely solid, the recievers were stellar and RG3 went RG3 on Tampa Bay. Great momentum type win for the Vicks in a Box, going up against a struggling one-win Backus Squad.

T-4. Kevin (2-2)
Scoring over 100 points in a contest and STILL losing blows, no matter who you are. None the less, Kevin gets to set his sights on Jared next week in a match up with a Glicked-Up squad that's dropped two in a row.

6. Jared (2-2)
Its never fun to lose to your girlfriend in fantasy football. Whats worse, she really has no idea how it happened, and that it just happened because your team was just bad enough. The running game was and could continue to be atrocious. Back to the drawing board...

7. Backy-Man (1-3)
The decision to play an NHL season or not couldn't come any sooner for Jon. This team, that started out with much promise behind stars like Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Andre Johnson has started to decline over the last couple weeks, and a match up with Eric off a 139 point game is NOT what the Doctor ordered.

8. Monica (OH-FER)
Technically, this wasn't even a terrible game. She still put up 84 points and had a decent showing from Matt Stafford. But arguably her best week comes at the hands of a 139 point winner, and still was the least amount of points scored league wide... Poor luck Zeebie.