Michigan lands 5-Star DE Da'Shawn Hand

APRIL FOOLS, YA QUEER!! :)

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Josh-Bane Mask Man

Neal Top Jared Bottom

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS!

Week 12 is all but finished (despite two Monday night performances to go), and the playoff picture is beginning to clear up! Here is what each player needs:

*JARED, KEVIN AND MONICA ARE ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFFS*

COLLEEN (9-3): With Neal's loss to Josh this week, Colleen wraps up both the Division Crown and the top seed in the 2012 GDL playoffs. A loss next week to Jon will neither help or hurt her cause.

NEAL (8-4): A loss to Josh and Colleen's win over Monica eliminates him from winning the division.

JOSH (7-5): By beating Neal, Josh moves on to the playoffs and eliminates Kevin from playoff contention (Josh owns the season head-to-head tie-breaker (2-0) with Kevin).

ERIC (6-6): Losing to Jon gives Jon the lead in the division (head-to-head tie breaker is a tie (1-1), Jon has more season points).

JON (6-6) Wins and gets himself into contention for the Division Crown.



SCENARIOS:

Neal and Josh are fighting for 3rd and 4th seeds in playoffs, while Eric and Jon are fighting for their playoff lives.

Next weeks games with playoff implications: Neal vs. Eric, Josh vs. Jared, Jon vs. Colleen...

NEAL GETS THE #3 SEED IF:
Neal wins OR Josh loses. That simple.

JOSH GETS THE #3 SEED IF:
Josh wins AND Neal loses.

JON WINS THE DIVISION AND #2 SEED NEXT WEEK IF:
1) Jon wins AND Eric loses
2) Jon AND Eric BOTH Win OR Lose, Jon's season points totals more than Eric's.

ERIC WINS THE DIVISION AND #2 SEED NEXT WEEK IF:
1) Eric wins AND Jon loses
2) Eric AND Jon BOTH Win OR Lose, Eric's season points totals more than Jon's.

The only scenario in which Eric and Jon could both be in playoffs at this point is if Jon were to win and Josh were to lose, plus Jon's team would have to outscore Josh's by over 100+ points. This scenario is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY, therefore considered not feasible to attain.

THUS, ROOTING INTERESTS (including themselves for obvious reasons):

NEAL: Jared
JOSH: Eric
JON: Neal
ERIC: Colleen

PLAYOFF PUSH! WEEK 11

Despite still waiting on a Monday night game, all the Week 11 GDL match-ups have essentially been decided, and now with playoffs just around the corner, WHO'S IN, AND WHO'S OUT???

Kevin (6-5) def. Neal (7-4), 86-85
This one came down to the wire, but Ray Rice just couldn't run far enough to get Neal over he hump and past Kevin. Strong performances from Megatron and Washington's Defense propelled Kevin. Newly acquired Demaryius Thomas and Jamal Charles were key for Neal this week, but Rice, Nelson and Bush all failed to reach 10-plus points.

Colleen (8-3) def. Jared (5-6), 107-69
As expected, Colleen manages to sail past Jared in a week in which Andy Dalton, Vincent Jackson, CJ Spiller, Doug Matin and Roddy White all busted out double digit performances. Gronk and Rogers pulled through for the lame duck Tooth Decays, and in stunning fashion, the Jaguars slammed Houston's Defense, taking away 4-points from Jared this week. To make matters worse, a playoff push for Jared took a massive hit when it was discovered Gronk's forearm was broken in the game vs. Indianapolis, with Gronk expected to miss 4-6 weeks.

Jon leads Josh 127-73
Matt Forte and Chicago's Defense will need to combine for 54 points to give Josh the win, and it's highly unlikely the 49ers turn the ball over enough to score massive points, and Forte putting up massive yards on the 49ers Defense seems somewhat unlikely as well. If Jon pulls the match out, Jon will have won three games in a row, putting him square into the playoff mix.

Eric leads Monica 86-43
Monica getting 44 points out of Frank Gore against the Bears' Defense is less than unlikely; its impossible. Mark a win for Eric, who improves to 6-5 on the season and makes a run for the conference title over Jared, Jon and Monica to secure a spot in the playoffs. Monica, meanwhile is still looking for her second win on the season, and faces Colleen next week...

(Assuming Eric and Jon win tomorrow, the standings will look something like this:)

x=eliminated from playoff contention

MY DOGG, SNOOP
Colleen, 8-3
Neal, 7-4
Josh, 6-5
Kevin, 6-5

MARISA KORN
Eric, 6-5
Jon, 5-6
Jared, 5-6
x-Monica 1-10

With two games left in the regular season, the push is full steam ahead. Things to look for in next week's match-ups:

WHO's ROOTING FOR WHO IN WEEK 12???

Colleen is rooting for: Jared
Obviously, she needs to beat Monica. But in the event she were to lose to Monica next week, a Jared win over Kevin would seal her playoff spot... That seems highly unlikely, as Kevin has just landed RG3 in a trade, while Jared just lost his biggest asset in Gronkowski for likely the rest of the Fantasy season.

Neal is rooting for: Monica, Jared
Neal will likely have a hard time putting Josh away, and in the event he cannot beat Josh and falls into a 7-5 tie with Nunen, the last thing he'll want is for Kevin to hop up to 7-5 as well to make things more crowded in the Snoop Race. Neal needs Jared to beat Kevin so Kevin falls to 6-6 and Colleen to fall to Monica so he could potentially stay within striking distance of the top seed in the playoffs.

Josh is rooting for: Jared
At this point, Colleen owns the tie-breaker for the division with Josh, beating him twice in the regular season. Josh can't earn the top spot in the division, even if he wins out and Colleen loses out. Josh will have to settle for a third or fourth seed, and he'll need Kevin to lose to either A) Create cushion if he defeats Neal or B) not to lose ground on Kevin if he loses to Neal.

Kevin is rooting for: Monica, Josh
Kevin swept Colleen during the regular season. If Colleen were to lose out and Kevin were to win out, Kevin could top Colleen in playoff seeding due to the head to head tie breaker. ByMonica topping Colleen, Josh winning next week over Neal and Kevin defeating Jared, all three guys would sit at 7-5 with Colleen at 8-4, meaning in a weird convoluted way, Kevin could feasibly still be in the hunt for the division title.

Eric is rooting for: Kevin
Eric needs to beat Jon to create a two game gap between he and Backus, and that along with a Kevin win over Jared would put both Jared and Jon two games back in the Marisa Korn Division and wrap up the division title for Wallace.

Jared is rooting for: Jon
Jared is in a tough spot as it is, and falling behind Backus and Eric is the LAST thing Jared needs. Jared can beat Kevin and tie Eric and Jon going into the final week of the regular season by Jon beating Eric as well.

Jon is rooting for: Kevin
Again, fairly obvious, Jon has to beat Eric or he will be eliminated from playoff contention. And a victory for Kevin over Jared would push Jared to 5-7, while Jon would be fresh off a win, sitting tied with Eric at 6-6 atop the Marisa Korn, with one week left to hash out the division.

Monica is rooting for: Stafford, Srpoles' health, Gore, CJ3 and Eric Decker
Monica was eliminated from playoff contention officially 3 weeks ago, so anything now would just be to play "spoiler" or to just be "cute." But boy oh boy... a Monica win over Colleen would fuck a bunch of shit up in the Snoop Division for sure!

Week 8 Power Rankings: You all suck, except Jared is good

Really, GDL? REALLY?...

Save Jared, this league as a whole looked pathetic this week. PATHETIC.

"But Eric, you didn't do well... in fact, you were the worst."
Yes, thats true. And when I look at the scoreboard and realize my running backs combined for 10 points, Jamal Charles forgot how to play football and Drew Brees gets shut down, I cringe. The worst part... Colleen wins her 5th game in a row, and she didn't deserve to win either.

"But Eric, Neal had 99 points, and Josh had 88. It wasn't ALL that bad."
Let me break it to you like this: There's 8 teams in the league. 8. You all collectively have at least 3-4 fantasy studs on your team. With an 8-team league, there's an understanding by all parties that anything under 100 points is kind of mediocre, but anything under 90 is sad. 6-of-8 teams placed under the 90-point mark this week.

"But Eric, this week was a fluke ... my team generally sucks."
No Jared, your team, with Aaron Rogers, Rob Gronkowski and Julio Jones should be right there in the mix every week. You're RB platoon is not amazing, granted. But McFadden can at least chip in 10-plus points a game to go with a stellar passing regime your team boasts. In fact, your 123-point performance puts you square in the mix for the Division Race and a possible playoff push. Fuck you and making excuses for your 4-4 record. If you lose out on the playoffs, its your fault, not Shonne Greene and Steven Jackson's fault.

Here's the Power Rankings:

T-1. Colleen (6-2)
T-1. Neal (6-2)
3. Josh (5-3)
4. Jared (4-4)
T-5. Eric (4-4)
T-5. Kevin (4-4)
7. Jon (2-6)
8. Monica (1-7)

Now, a personal message to each of you individually from the commish about your awful weeks:

Colleen: You win. Again. Congrats. You win 5 in a row and are officially the hottest team now in fantasy football at this time... But know that the next time you take a shit in the form of 76 points and don't spray, its going to comeback to haunt you. 76 points is awful, and 76 points in the future will cause you to miss out on the top seed or maybe even worse.

Neal: A stellar win this week, one point shy of 100. Propels you to 6-2 and now you are in striking distance for the league's top record... You are the luckiest son of a bitch ever though. What a ballsy move to play Titus Young, for 22 POINTS??? You should have lost to Vick in a Box, if not for JORDY NELSON. Its better to be lucky than good sometimes, but you are skating on thin ice, and the ice eventually will break.

Josh: I have nothing really for you. Arian Foster was out and you still managed to put up 88-points. Not too shabby, I guess. You should probably figure out if your keeping Jennings or dropping him though. He's a huge waste of space on your bench. And your QB situation is pretty unbearable to watch too. You might have to initiate some trades soon, especially since you have Arian Foster, Matt Forte and the Bears' D, and yet are STILL looking up at Colleen and Neal in the standings.

Jared: I just hate you and everything about your incessant whining about how your fantasy football team sucks because your players suck. Just admit: you suck and shut up. 

Eric (yes, I can't call you all out without calling myself out too...): You have the best core of starting WR's, RB's, TE's a sweet defense and the best QB situation in the league... and yet you still have 4 losses.... you are a pathetic, worthless shit hole, and if you can take this roster and STILL miss the playoffs, you should probably resign from the league and take up ballet, because at that point, you're a giant pussy faggot...

Kevin: You had every player available. You still managed to only get 3 players in double digits. One was your kicker. This was a sad performance from you, and you better make up for this... by buying me a shot in the MGM lobby in 6 weeks. Or a beer at the Cardinals/Lions game... whichever you prefer.

Jon: Tom Brady and AP alone should make almost every team a playoff contender, and yet you've mustered up a measly 2 wins. I'm still confused. DeMarco Murray out hasn't helped your cause, but none the less this has been tough to watch. And to think you haven't even had an NHL season to distract you...

Monica: You've been dumped on harder than anyone else. 835 points against?... Thats insane. But your team still sucks in general. 619 points for? Everyone else has at least 700 points. its your first season, granted. But Now that you've taken your hits, its time to get a couple wins and momentum into next season.